Starza (starza_reviews) wrote,
Starza
starza_reviews

Worst fic ever? FUCK YES! Final Fantasy 7 style!

Now we bring the pain! Also, High School AUs, more so in a fandom where all the characters are above the age of 18, is even worse. This is no exception.

Also, I think this fic physically hurt me, to the point where I can't even spell right anymore. I think this fanfic outtops that Watari/Tatsumi fic I read so long ago.

Series: Final Fantasy 7
Title: Some Where I Belong
Author: Ballerama-Beauty
Genre: Melodrama Angst/Romance
Rating: T, though it should get a M rating for language
Warnings: High School AU (This has it's own warning now!), verbal abuse, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE ADULTS!?, violence, suicide, rape, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ADULTS!?, this town needs to be wiped off the face of the earth
Couple (if applicable): Zack/Cloud, Zack/Aerith, Sephiroth/Angeal/Genesis, Vincent/Yazoo

Plot: 1/10 - Uh, what plot? A bunch of overdramatic angst in a teeny bop world. But it's to the point where it isn't even realistic!

Again, I cannot stress this enough: WHERE. THE. FUCK. ARE. THE. ADULTS!? No seriously, we got people being beat to a BLOODY mess, and not one teacher around!? And none of the teachers THINK about calling the parents of the kids involved OR calling the police!? And the people fighting aren't even suspended!? You know, back when I went to school, if kids fought like this, they'd be lucky to not only be expelled, but put in Juvinile Detention! This doesn't happen until much later in the story, and it only happens to ONE person instead of everyone involved!

Also, apparently, NO ONE calls the houses of any of the families in these things, because they would find out that an 18 year old is basically acting like the care-giver of 4 younger siblings. And the excuse? 'Well, the neighbors are afraid Sephiroth will kill them!' Maybe Sephiroth killed the police long before, because at least that would make sense why they are absent in this story!

Basically, Cloud angsts like a monkey and it's Zack's job to play hero. Oh, and everyone apparent drank the 'asshole' koolaid, because everyone acts like a total fucking prick, even people who are supposed to be friends. There's suicide attempts, which are always lovely. Oh, and there's violence and rape, ain't that nice to add to the blender of fuckness?

Look, I know people can be prejudice assholes, but 90% of everyone!? I don't think so. Even worse is that Zack's supposed 'friends' turn against him in a heartbeat. And the suicide attempts? Urgh...

Also, if you played a drinking game, where every time someone says 'Bitch' in this story, you take one shot, you'd probably be dead of acholol poisoning before getting to chapter 3. ~_~;;;;;

Also, the so called doctor that comes in and talks to Cloud. Holy fucking shit, you DO NOT tell someone who is suicidal that it is their own fucking fault. I'm not a fucking doctor and even I know that! I don't care if you were being "more analytical", you do NOT tell someone who wants to kill themselves to suck it up, you're creating all these problems! WHY did they let him out of the hospital??? HOW could they let him out!? He's a fucking minor and nobody has a clue that something serious is going on here!?

And then we got the 'child protection' coming in and playing the 'religion' card. ~_~;;;; Also, instead of taking everyone into their care, they only take ONE of them away. Are you for fucking real!? You couldn't see the kid with the scars RIGHT ON HIS FACE needs the help!?

This is just... really bad. Bad doesn't even begin to describe this turd of a fic.

Writing: 4/10 - Believe it or not, the writing itself isn't too terribly bad. There's a few big paragraphs that should've been chopped up and some dialogue that should've been divided up into other paragraphs, but other than that, the writing isn't half bad.

The flashbacks can be really annoying since it's basically copy/pasted from where it originally happened most of the time.

So it's not terrible, it's readable. But I wouldn't recommend anyone reading it, even if it was all in chicken scratch!

Characterization: 0/10 - Probably the first fanfic where I give NO points to characterization. NONE of the characters are in character at freaking all. You can change EVERY name in this story to something else and not have any idea that this was a FF7 fic at one point.

Cloud is annoying, period. He started out as a loner in the beginning and then became an emo whiny clingy idiot. If adults actually existed in this universe, he would've gotten the help he needed a while ago, and maybe Zack and Cloud could've had a more normal relationship. But nope, and it doesn't help that Zack is really confused and Cloud basically guilt trips/threatens Zack into liking him and giving him a chance. It also doesn't help that he has an obsessive bully following Cloud and his 'brothers' around and beating the shit out of them. Oh, and a stalker rapist, cause this story didn't have enough angst as it is with the bullying and wanting to kill himself!

Like I said above, Cloud eventually goes into a hospital, but instead of getting help, he's even MORE verbally abused. I mean, is the 'prick koolaid' in the water that these assholes drink!?

Also, Zack acts like a real asshole too. I mean, Cloud is in the hospital, and he doesn't visit because 'I'm busy with school and sports'. Are you fucking shitting me!? Even if it was a friend of mine who was in the hospital, I'd drop all my shit in a heartbeat and go to the fucking hospital and see them! Hell, I think Canon!Zack would have a spaz attack and go see Cloud, even if all he had gotten was a fucking paper cut, cause that's who Zack is!

And of course, what bad yaoi fanfic would it be without indirect female bashing? I mean, really? Aerith isn't the type of girl to be mean, period. I don't even think she has a mean bone in her body. If she knew Zack and Cloud hooked up, she'd ask for Zack for pictures and probably be their official fangirl. This is the SAME girl who convinced Cloud to cross-dress, for christ's sake!

In fact, NONE of the original cast members are even remotely friendly to Cloud. Which again, WHY write Final Fantasy 7 fanfiction when you can't even adher to even having these characters acting like their canon parts!? Even in AUs, most of the time, the characters retain their core personalities to some degree. WHY is Rufus stalking Vincent, I don't even get it!

AND STOP INCLUDING SQUALL NOT FUCKING LEON IN YOUR FANFICS! God, every fucking time I see Squall being called 'Leon' in fanfics, I want to take my copy of Kingdom Hearts and shove it up Square's ass.

Negativities: Bad fanfic, rape, violence, bullying, no sane adults, fanfic will make your brain leak out your ears.
Summary: Cloud's life sucks. Can Zack help him out? Not in this story!
Overall: 1.6/10 - One of the worst fanfics I've read in my entire life. I mean, this takes the cake, folks. I can deal with Mary Sues, I can deal with bad grammar and spelling, I can deal with OOC to a point. What I can't deal with is all the worst kind of angst plot devices, with a dash of yaoi, thrown all together into a blender alongside a mountain's worth of cow chips. If you want your dose of stupid forever, read this fic. Otherwise, do your brain a favor and stay FAR away from it.
Tags: fanfiction, final fantasy
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